- INTRODUCTION.
There is need,
an urgent need to give positive and gradual affective relationship education to
people especially the youth, paying attention to the dispositions of Vatican II
council. Silence is not a valid norm of conduct in this matter, above all when
one thinks of the ‘hidden persuaders’, which use insinuating language.
This work aims
at discussing the idea of student-student relationship. But to limit it to the
description of the various forms of relationship would be simply touching the
surface. Therefore, beforehand, foundation for relationship is discussed. This
will entail the idea of maturity and the various levels of human adolescence. As
you would realize, in any game of life, there is a motivation. Relationships
are not with exception and therefore, the topic for love is discussed as the
main motivation of human relationships. The subject of relationships during
adolescence merits a special study, both because of the ways friends can help a
person to mature and because for the problems friends often pose the society.
Therefore, after this plenty of discussion about love and maturity, the main
agenda will be discussed with its various forms. The question of student –
student relationship will be clarified here.
- FOUNDATION OF RELATIONSHIPS.
2.1 Levels of
human adolescence.
Adolescence is a
period of growth, which entails personal maturing and seen as a transition
stage from childhood to adulthood.
2.1.1 Puberty/early
adolescence: from 12-14 year. There is anatomical and physiological growth.
The intellect is inconsistent and often one changes his /her opinions. A lot of
curiosity is visible. One is noticed with sensitivity and irritability; shyness
and tenderness are part of ones’ personality. Tendency to belong to a certain
group of school friends or mates is highly noticeable.
2.1.2 Middle
adolescence: from 15-18 years. Body takes shape to adult composition. The
intellect has confusion of subjective ad objective issues. There is emotional
self-assertion. Social friendships start to grow. The group reduces and shyness
extends.
2.1.3 Later
adolescence: from 18-21 years. Body gains full adult shape. There is
self-understanding. The intellect starts
to form ideas and values take course. Self-assertion is more objective. Choice of vocation or career is evident.
Shyness and awkwardness are over come.
2.2 Maturity.
Is the capacity to make own
decisions and accept full responsibility for ones’ failures as well as for
successes.
2.2.1 Physical:
age and body etc.
2.2.2 Intellectual:
acquisition of sufficient knowledge to have a meaningful life.
2.2.3 Social:
sufficient self-confidence to mix with others.
2.2.4 Emotional:
accepting full responsibility for oneself without being unduly worried
about the opinions of others. This is
realized in three areas, mainly;
§
Awaking to freedom [Ecclu. 13:15-19] – this
creates difficulties because of; aggressions [parents, authority, church, and God].
Fears [others, disgrace, and failure]. Compulsions [drink, drugs, money]
§
Awaking to sexual desire.
§
Awaking to values.
- MOTIVATION OF RELATIONSHIPS - LOVE.
Love is the
giving of ones’ life for others, in one way or another. [I Jn. 3:16]
Love expresses
itself in varying degrees and ways with different persons and things [God, man,
and things.] Jn. 13: 34.
Youth is an
exciting time, a time of awakening to maturity. Full emotional maturity is a
life –long process. It begins in babyhood when a little child learns to love
someone other than himself. The first sign of emotional growth is being
concerned about other people.
Love can be
viewed in three elements: for pleasure, for use and for good. [Eccl. 11:9-10]
True love is one
of the slowest emotions to mature. Learning to love takes a lifetime and it
does not happen smoothly. Again and again, like the child taking back the
flower from his mother, self love creeps in; a turning in on ones’ own person
so that we are engrossed in selfish pleasure, no matter what they cost others.
One becomes conscious of a battle going on within him, between good and
bad. [1 Cor. 13: 4-7, Rom. 12: 9-10]
Questions for
reflection.
§
Which are the main and strongest emotions I find
in my life?
§
What is my attitude in front of my emotions:
denial and repression, or openness and self-control?
§
Do I know my strengths and weaknesses? Which are
they?
§
What are my expressions of love towards others?
§
What is my idea and attitude about worldly
pleasures?
- FORMS OF RELATIONSHIP.
There are very
many types of relationship depending on the goals to be achieved. We should
know that were not to relate the same way other animals relate because we are
created in God’s image. [Mind & reason.]
4.1
Parent–child: The mother or father relate to child to help him or
her in growth. This
relationship affect the way the child
will relate in the future as adults.
4.2 Father –
mother: Is a loving relationship shown in unity of marriage.
They are to
support each other in bringing up the children
4.3 Teacher –
student: Helps the student to learn an gain more knowledge in life. To
guide the student in good moral ways,
the student should be obedient.
4.4 Student –
student: Is relationship in school. The students relate to each other in
order to achieve their goals in studies. They
should understand each other and guide
each in good ways. Under this, we have
various kinds of relationships .
4.4.1
Male – male relationship: What happens here?
§
The men relate according to common desires[ to
drink, smoke, sports , disco etc.]
§
Due to influence of age group and age set
§
To promote their lives e.g. by working together
§
To study i.e. revise for exams and consult in
tougher subjects.
§
Fear of rejection-peer influence.
§
Abuse of this relationship: develop bad
behavior, e.g. stealing, sex, and alcohol. And dislike of work and study.
4.4.2
Female – female relationship: mostly to share their secrets, problems, and
worries
and encourage each other in the life
of girls.
4.4.3 Male
– female relationship: What happens here?
§
The student at puberty or adolescence gets
attracted to opposite sex.
§
There are strong deep desires to posses the
other.
§
There is deep feeling of ‘I am an adult, so I want to do what they
do’.
§
They relate to satisfy those deep desires and
emotions [ e.g. I love you = I feel strong infatuation for you.]
§
It is normal for male to feel desire for
opposite sex because each person has both masculinity and femininity within ,
so man will be less feminine and desires to fulfill this gap therefore the deep
desire which is love at emotional level comes.
4.4.3.1 Holy Scripture on male –female relationship
§
Eph. 5:24-25: husband and wife relationship
§
Gen 2:18-24: Adam given a partner
§
Mt 22: 36-40: Jesus says love each other and
also God.
§
I Cor. 13:1-3: Paul says do all but without love
is nothing.
4.4.3.2 The mechanism of male-female relationship.
We limit
ourselves now to male – female relationship and we look on:
Motivation-
fulfillment of desires confused to be love. Challenges and difficulties in this
relationship. Benefits or goals of this relationship. The abuse of relationship
[based on love]: using bible quotations,
loving to gain, experimenting sex before marriage.
Real motivation
is love- God said love one other and myself.
Love begins with
emotional feeling then in mind we think of it whether it is right and genuine
before we put it in heart[ body – mind – spirit is involved which is equal to
loving the other as yourself.] God created us not as stones but as human beings
who wish to reach out to others beyond me [transcendence]. This is why no man
is kept in a kennel from birth , instead we go to school and live in society.
This gift in as human being is pushed by my desires.
Desires: To
know God, make friends , have knowledge , be free, be adult, be a great man or
woman. Other feelings in us are : to love somebody ,to have sex, to sleep etc.
Our desires and feelings and emotions are important and they start maturing in
adolescence stage. Our desire to love at first sight is not love but
infatuation- strong feeling of attraction to the other without any
thinking[look at her and feel paralyzed, this is the same in other animals like
cows]
Levels of
communication: which leads us to proper love and relationship, this is
according to psychologist Fergus Garrett
§
O level- rejection level- I don’t know
you , I don’t want to know you, e.g. how many people do we meet and don’t
recognize them.
§
1st level- eye to eye- brief
word, signal or gesture. In cities they say hi or 'sasa.' There is a feeling to
know him or her.
§
2nd level – mouth to mouth-
superficial conversations, friends of
habari, don’t share more about themselves e.g., in school greet each other and
not more.
§
3rd level – head to head-
discussion of ideas intellectually e.g. Relationship to discuss science[ some
misuse this], study groups [ a friend because shows me maths etc.]
§
4th level – heart to heart- I
feel like sharing all I have with you- my deep self- what is in my heart. I
want you to be in my heart to know my secrets.
§
5th level – spirit-to-spirit –
deep real love. One feels you just stay close. I know you and feel to be near
you always[ my intention is not sex but you alone.
Only 3,4 and 5
show inside contact, so humans cannot relate like hens but take time to think.
So love at first sight ‘is wrong, lacks goal and does not last’ [a girl friend
I had in class six is no loner mine, you have a friend but still loves others
and you show no interest , loving because she is beautiful or handsome.
4.4.3.4 Challenges / difficulties.
§
Those who don’t feel like are forced by peer
influence
§
The desires are very strong at times hence
mislead.
§
Those I feel attracted to at times don’t feel
attracted to me.
§
When I feel I must do all I desire,: e.g. to
have sex so I do, am I a cow?
§
Parents
may fail to guide me on how to relate with friends
§
The desires make us cheat other e.g. I love that
I can’t sleep, you are my everything etc.
§
One wastes a lot of time thinking and looking
for girls rather than to study or do serious work [ letters , visits, discos]
4.4.3.5 Benefits / goals.
§
Since everything human being is born to love and relate our relationships helps us to grow into
mature men who relate well [ if you don’t relate well you may become a rapist
in future.]
§
Help us to fulfill the deep strong desire to
relate with opposite sex.
§
Help adolescence to mature as he or she looks
for his or her identity [ will I marry , be priest, sister, work, want to be with others as a teacher? ]
§
Good relationships will help me change my bad
behavior and foolish desires so as to be upright and responsible person.
4.4.3.6 Abuse of relationships
§
Using them to practice sex for marriage.
Is it football?
Who teaches calf to suck? – or is planned by God, don’t worry.
Those friends
you have now you may not marry so no need for practice.
Sex is to be for marriage, doing
it early will reduce the importance of marriage relation [eg. Compare a
passenger who knows London and the other who does not know, who will enjoy to
be in London?]
§ Love
is not mathematical
Mwangi +
Waithera = sex. NO!
We love each
other to grow as god’s children just as Christ loved us and told us how to love
the poor , help the sick so we must follow this and not love to be given
something.
I relate with
you because you are beautiful physically or mentally or in any other way.
If relate
because has beautiful face, if burned ?
If you love the
waist, if you get accident?
If love buttocks
, is this the whole girl?
§
Spending most of time for girls [ as if they
were everything ] hence not working become disobedient to parents/
teachers who are the ones to help you.
Concluding
Questions.
How am I
planning to relate with ladies , like a husband, a good friend to help?
What attracts me
in girls ? do I love that part only or whole
girl?
How is my
relationship with female students helping me to grow as a good Christian ?
Are others like
God, parents , teachers , happy with how I relate with female students? Why?
By:
Chrispine O. Otieno & Michael B. Mutinda.
(Copyright - 2006)
N.B..the ideas presented here by the authors of this article may have changed in explanation and discussion at the present time. and infact this article does not represent there present stand of the same subject.
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