LOVE: ISN'T BLIND, NO FEAR AND NOT POSSESSIVE...!
1
John 4, 16-18: God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God, and
God in them.
This is how love is made complete among
us so
that we will have confidence on the Day
of Judgment:
In this world we are like Jesus. There
is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in
love.
Mostly
people confuse love with possession. It's easy to see why; it's built into the
fundamental assumptions of our culture. "You're mine," says the
popular song, "and we belong together." Hardly anyone stops to
question the sentiment. As soon as we
feel love, we immediately attempt to possess. We speak confidently of my
boyfriend, my wife, my child, my parent. We feel justified in holding expectations
about those people. We consider that perfectly reasonable. Why? Because all our
concepts of love ultimately derive from romantic love and romantic love is
furiously, frantically possessive. We want to be with our lover, to have them
to ourselves, to feel their eyes on us, to consume their minds and bodies...to
possess them.
So
strongly do we equate love with possession that we may even feel if someone
doesn't want to possess us, they don't really love us. Yet I would argue that
what we call romantic love is not love at all. It's a kind of emotional storm,
an overpowering, thrilling attraction - but it isn't love. Because real love isn't possessive. It can't
be. We'd all agree that love involves giving, not taking. Yet the desire to
possess actually springs from the lover's own need — the need for approval from
the beloved, for support from a parent, for straight A's from a child, for status,
for financial security - for something.
A
possessive lover is overly focused on what he's getting, not what he's giving.
The lover may dignify his dependency with the name love, but it's a lie. How
can you really love somebody when you're dependent on them for things you need?
That isn't love, that's just manipulation to keep the needed stuff coming your
way. Robert Palmer sings about being "addicted to love," but nobody
really is. People are addicted to their needs. And love isn't the same as need.
It just isn't.
Of
course, a loving relationship will produce interdependencies. But all too
often, the pleasure of freely giving changes to a fear of possibly not getting.
It's just that this person - your husband, your girlfriend, and your child is
suddenly so important to you. You worry about what's going to happen. What
they're going to do. And at that moment, love stops. People sometimes wonder if
they're feeling real love. These same people never wonder if they're sexually
aroused, or sad. Then what's the problem about recognizing love? Most often,
because they're sensing a conflict: they're feeling the depth of their need,
not the heights of their love.
There
are ways to know real love. It feels calm. It's steady, and it can easily last
a lifetime. It's nourishing people grow under its influence. They become who
they really are, and now what someone expects them to be. Real love isn't blind;
on the contrary, people feel understood, accepted for who they really are. It's
healing. People recover. So whenever you hear that love is blind, or love can't
last, or love is destructive, you can be sure that you're hearing a description
of lust, or desire, or need. And it's an accurate description, because needs
really are transient and destructive.
But
love is something else entirely. An emotion of deep caring that asks nothing in
return, an emotion that is fulfilling without any expectation at all, is so
rare that most people in our society can't imagine it. They can't imagine
feeling it, or receiving it. They may even come to believe it doesn't exist.
But it does. And it's the best thing
there is. And as Paul puts it in 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, and always perseveres.
