The 4 relationship killers that end marriages.

The 4 relationship killers that end marriages.

1. Keeping a "why should I have to change" attitude.

"Basically, they're saying, 'My partner needs to change, and if I like the changes they're making, I'll make changes myself," That attitude handicaps the whole process, since both people are going to have complaints. Changing should be in parallel, not sequentially.

2. Withdrawing into a "bubble." 

Another toxic behaviour: hiding out in a protective bubble. 

People withdraw into protective bubbles because they're afraid of showing any vulnerability.  So if you're going to start changing in sequence, both people need to emerge from their bubbles.

3. "Just getting used to it."

 It's a familiar story: Two people meet, fall in love. They get hitched. They have kids. Their careers advance. Kids leave home, and the parents say to themselves, I married a stranger.

So what happened?  While two people might live together, they don't automatically share one another's lives.  Slowly, the energy animating the relationship ebbs away.

The withering comes from a lack of conscientiousness about the relationship itself — and an unhelpful assumption that if you've known your partner for years, then they should automatically know what you want.  

4. Adapting too much.

Being in a relationship means two individual humans living in the same space and doing all sorts of things together. Naturally, those individuals aren't going to fit together like gears inside a watch — people have different habits, preferences, and value systems.  That behaviour comes from three assumptions:

• "I have to please my partner in order to be accepted." 
• "We can't want different things, because if we want different things, the relationship won't last." 
• "If I speak up, I'll be criticized. The consequences will be too negative." 

If these assumptions take hold, the relationship can get stuck in toxic dynamics, like hostile-dependent, where one person dominates the other, or conflict averse, where no one brings anything up.