According to Dr. Lori Gordon's "Art
of relationships and Knots of Love", - Love is a momentary up welling of
three tightly interwoven events: first, a sharing of one or more positive
emotions between you and another; second, a synchrony between your and the
other person’s biochemistry and behaviours; and third, a reflected motive to
invest in each other’s well-being that brings mutual care. However to
communicate all this, certain styles emerge commonly; here are four main
communication styles which negatively and at the same time, five styles which positively
affect relationships. Here is the summary:
- PLACATING. The placater is ingratiating, eager to
please, apologetic, and a "yes" man or woman. The placater says
things like "whatever you want" or "never mind about me,
it's okay." It's a case of peace at any price. The price, for the
placater is worthlessness. Because the placater has difficulty expressing
anger and holds so many feelings inside, he or she tends toward depression
and, as studies show, may be prone to illness. Placaters need to know it
is okay to express
anger. - BLAMING. The blamer is a fault-finder who
criticizes relentlessly and speaks in generalizations: "You never do
anything right." "You're just like your mother/father."
Inside, the blamer feels unworthy or unlovable, angry at the anticipation
he or she will not be getting what is wanted. Given a problem, the best
defense is a good offense. The blamer is unable to deal with or express pain
or fear. Blamers need to be able to speak on their own behalf without
indicting others in the process.
- COMPUTING. The computer is super reasonable, calm
and collected, never admits mistakes, and expects people to conform and
perform. The computer says things like, "Upset? I'm not upset. Why do
you say I'm upset?" Afraid of emotion, he or she prefers facts and
statistics. "I don't reveal my emotions and I'm not interested in
anyone else's." Computers need someone to ask how they feel about
specific things.
- DISTRACTING. The distractor resorts to irrelevancies under stress, avoids direct eye contact and direct answers. Quick to change the subject, he or she will say, "What problem? Let's have Sam and Bridget over." Confronting the problem might lead to a fight, which could be dangerous. Distractors need to know that they are safe, not helpless, that problems can be solved and conflicts resolved.
Each style is a
unique response to pain, anger, or fear, which keeps us from understanding each
other. Knowing that, the next time you find yourself resorting to blame, you can
conclude there is something painful or scary bothering you and try to figure out
what it is. If it's your partner who is blaming, you can conclude he or she is
possibly not intending to be aggressive or mean but probably afraid of some development. What's needed is to find a way to make it safe to talk about the
worry; find out what is bothering him or her.
To add insult to injury, when one
partner is upset, the other often compounds it unintentionally. At the heart of
intimacy, then, is empathy, understanding, and compassion; these are the
humanizing feelings yet need to be communicated positively:
- APPRECIATION. Take turns expressing appreciation for something your partner has done--and thanking each other.
- NEW INFORMATION. In the absence of information, assumptions--often false ones--rush in. Tell your partner something ("I'm not looking forward to the monthly planning meeting this morning") to keep contact alive and let your partner in on your mood, your experiences - your life. And then listen to your partner.
- PUZZLES. Take turns asking each other something you don't understand and your partner can explain: "Why were you so down last night?" Or voice a question about yourself: "I don't know why I got so angry while we were figuring out expenses." You might not find answers, but you will be giving your partner some insight about yourself. Besides, your partner may have insights about your experiences.
- COMPLAINT WITH REQUEST FOR CHANGE. Without placing
blame or
being judgemental, cite a specific behaviour that bothers you and state the behaviour you are asking for instead. "If you're going to be late for dinner, please call me. That way I can make plans and won't be waiting for you." - HOPES. Sharing hopes and dreams is integral to a relationship. Hopes can range from the mundane ("I hope you don't have to work this weekend") to the grandiose ("I'd really love to spend a month in tour with you"). But the more the two of you bring dreams into immediate awareness, the more likely you'll find a way to realize them.
Love is all about choices. We
choose to see the good, ignore the petty, look for what we could do for our
partner, and remember why we love our partner. Choosing to put in the effort to
do these things is what love looks like, and with that work comes the wonderful
reward of staying in love.
