Conflicts, pain and suffering

Many things can go wrong in a relationship because the mechanism of support is not a very efficient one and each test comes at a different level.

The simplest test is when one person is experiencing pain (that is outside the relationship) and he/she shares it with you. For example, something unpleasant happens to you at work and you go home and share it with your family during dinnertime. You talk about a colleague or a service person who was rude. It has nothing to do with them and passes no judgment on your family.

The second level test is when each person in the relationship is experiencing their own pain, external to the relationship. For example, one person has had a bad day at school and the other was extremely worried because he had financial difficulties which were occupying all of his mental space. In this situation, both people in the relationship shift their focus from the pain they are experiencing to an "accounting" frame of mind, "My pain is more important than yours". They compete for "stage time".

The third level test is when both people are experiencing a common pain. For example, both X and Y lost a child, so they are both in pain. They have a common pain so each of them lacks the emotional capacity to help the other. In such situations, a third person is a must in order to help. There is an added risk of experiencing the pain of not being able to support someone you love.

The forth level test is when one person is experiencing pain that is the "fault" of the listener/other person. For example, I am angry and upset with my child and I expect them to give me empathy, sympathy and compassion to deal with my pain. This request leaves no place for empathy, because the other person cannot understand your point of view (that they were wrong). It leaves no place for sympathy, because they cannot feel angry at themselves in the same way you do (if they did they would probably feel guilty, and guilt is an obstacle in relationships).

The only way to help you is to ask, "How can I help you think differently about me?" which puts them in a defensive mode, guaranteeing failure in the relationship test. Only the person experiencing the pain can avoid this conflict, by not expecting the other person (the person "at fault") to attend to their feelings.

If you need support in such a conflict, do not expect it from the person who caused you the pain. Seek the help of a third person, preferably someone who does not know the person who has caused you pain and will not take sides (such as a life coach or relationship counselor). This test should be avoided at all costs. If you cannot avoid blaming the other person for your feelings and expecting their support, the relationship gets a "fail".